Poetry

When Did I lose it?

By 31st March 2010December 9th, 2019No Comments

I never noticed the loss
Until that fateful day
Digging in the dirt of my existence
Deep into the core of me
Trying to make it though the despair
In there
Under the dust I found it
Looking up at me
Large eyes begging for release into the light of a new day

But I refused
Put it back
Ignored its cries
Echoing though my brain
Until another joined it
Jumped into my world
Forced me to look again
On and on until I felt I would explode
Into a thousand shapeless pieces
Then taking note the voice abated
Allowed me to move pain free
Once I accepted my inner world

Justly shriven found the pulsing body
Heard its soft cooing grow
Took it to the simple jumper padded box
Fashioned for its resting place

But it would not die
Rather exalted in the new found attention
Grew stronger on my every breath

I asked God to stop
I wasn’t talking to Him
He’d lost that right after her death
When the darkness took refuge in my soul
Away from His light
Grew there and joined in the hatred
What right had He now to ask this of me?
Nursemaid to His spirit of hope
It did not exist
But unlike fairies it would not die due to lack of belief
Merely flapped it wings in reply
Once again refused to die

A whispering started on the wind
Causing my every cell to shake
Involuntary actions followed
Caring, loving, wishing well
For the tiny package stored in my kitchen by the fire
Was this my fate
To care for one who had betrayed me
Failed to support me
Worth a simple explanation
Rather than the empty silence of a priests heart
Brought on by endless regurgitations of learned lines
An actor worthy of an Oscar
In the heavenly awards
Until drying up his words became dust
Covering the hope of my world

Then one day
On a bright Spring day
I could not find it
Fearful, I searched for it
Found it perched in a sunlit spot
Looking to the heavens
Wings spread
Holding an olive branch
I stopped beside it
Felt the loving warmth
Beat upon my back as it did His
Knew then that the dark was not my friend
But a squatter bent on ownership
Tendrils digging into my soul
Draining hope until it shone as a candle in a dark storm
Almost extinguished, but enough to guide me home
Waiting, watching, allowing
Until its moment came and led me back to love

Anne-Marie Spittle

Author Anne-Marie Spittle

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