This is a true story.
A Lance Corporal (LCpl), who we will call Gus, was told to report to his Staff Sergeant (SSgt) who we shall call Stan. Now Gus was not the brightest tool in the box and was renowned for his rather shadowy ways and was known for telling tales about his mates to win him favour with the senior ranks and officers. Gus was also about 6 foot 6 inches and a rather fearsome looking man. Gus went straight there, marched in and halted in front of the SSgt and this is how the story unfolded……
LCpl G: Good afternoon Staff, I have been told to report to you so here I am.
SSgt S: Afternoon LCpl G, yes I have a task I need carried out in fact there are two things you could do for me.
LCpl G: Great Staff, I’m your man, you can count on me.
SSgt S: Excellent Cpl G, I knew I could.
LCpl G: What can I do for you Staff?
SSgt S: Well, see this hammer here, I need it taking to Lt Dewhurst in the Training Wing
LCpl G: No problem Staff.
SSgt S: OK, next. On your way through to the Training Wing I need you to take this envelope to Capt Johnsons office and hand it to him in person, ok so far?
LCpl G: Errrm yes Staff.
SSgt S: Now I know that Capt J is a bit of a nasty character but as long as you march in smartly and halt correctly then shoot up a fine salute and say loudly “Good afternoon Sir”, you’ll be fine! Now, there’s more, I need you to hand him the envelope and wait for his reply. When you hand it to him don’t say “this is from Staff Robinson”, just hand it to him and wait ok?
LCpl G: Fine Staff.
SSgt S: Now when he reads the message in here, he will probably say something like… is this for real or are you serious as he will be a little disappointed with the message. If he says something like that, just say confidently “Yes Sir, needs must sir”! OK?
LCpl G: Got it Staff, “Yes Sir, needs must”!
SSgt S: Well done, sounds great.
LCpl G: Thanks Staff.
SSgt S: Now, tell me what your instructions are so far.
LCpl G: I got to go to HQ and got to Capt Js office and march in smart and halt and salute real fine.
SSgt S: Good, and what will you say to him?
LCpl G: Good afternoon Sir! Real confident like.
SSgt S: That’s right, good, then what?
LCpl G: I then got to wait for his answer as he may not be too happy about the news.
SSgt S: Perfect so far lad, well done, then what?
LCpl G: Ermmm, then I got to go to the Training Wing and drop this here hammer off to Lt Dewhurst.
SSgt S: Bloody well done lad, spot on now off you go and look sharp.
LCpl G: Thank you Staff.
LCpl G turns about and marches out and off in the direction of HQ with the envelope and hammer clutched tightly in his hand.
As he gets to HQ building he marches straight into Capt Js office and halts and salutes beautifully, even though he has a hammer in the other hand, and says “Good afternoon Sir”!
Events unfold like this…..
LCpl G: Sir, (and steps forward handing the envelope)
Capt J: “hmmm, I hate messages” …
LCpl G: “Sir”.
Capt J opens the envelope and reads the contents… Inside the envelope the message reads….
IF YOU DO NOT OPEN THE SAFE AND HAND ME ALL THE MONEY RIGHT NOW, I WILL BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH THIS F****** HAMMER.
Capt J looks up at LCpl G and says ….
Capt J: LCpl are you sure about this?
LCpl G: Yes Sir, needs must!
Capt J: OK, just calm down and I’ll open the safe.
LCpl G: Great Sir, thank you.
Well, as you can probably guess, Capt J dives across the desk and wrestle with the poor unsuspecting LCpl whilst screaming for help from the Sergeant Major, suffice to say all hell broke loose and eventually the shit hit the fan with the Staff Sergeant in question getting lots of extra duties.
The story has been told for years and caused great laughter and much slapping of thighs.