Poetry

French Toilets – The Mystery

By 17th March 2009December 9th, 2019No Comments

As far back as I can remember France holds this one unfathomable mystery to me
How French ladies use their toilets without getting their knickers covered in p**!?
I mean the squatting, crouching kind over a drain hole type French loo you can find
Where you aren’t sure if you should let go of the handrail in order to wipe your behind!

I have traveled the length and breadth of that beautiful country called France
But always live in fear of the offered loo, should I wait or take the chance?
It’s normally the old French cafes or simple Autoroute wayside station,
What lurks behind the door marked “toilette” – enter with hope or trepidation?

Will it be the hole in the ground sort, a crouching kind of disaster?
Or will I be lucky this time, have somewhere with a proper seat so I can get out faster.
One of the problems with the crouching, squatting ones, to name but just a few
There’s not enough room to crouch, remove lower attire to avoid a disaster that can ensue!

These trough loos are such hard work, time consuming and rather stinky as well,
It’s hard to imagine these toilets have progressed past the French revolution model.
Figuring out first how best to use it, the technique perfection takes some time
Hand on rail, foot coordination, whilst perfecting balance – it’s all rather sublime!

By this I mean when you leave your lower attire around both ankle and feet
How can you put them wide apart enough to make doing your business tidy and neat?
Surely the clothes get in the way and possibly in the trough and yucky stuff too
What’s the answer remove them completely, but in this space that’s impossible to do!

You don’t always have a skirt on, but that would be the answer, I dare say
And French ladies don’t wear them very often, despite that they manage to stay
Looking chic and tidy with their clothes neat, clean and trough loo free
How do they do it? Perhaps it’s a French-only secret – not for an “etranger” like me!

Denise Richardson

Author Denise Richardson

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