When rains fall upon sodden ground,
And floodwaters swell up all around,
And troubled times with you abound…
Then I will take the blame.
When kids in school don’t do so well,
And in maths they don’t excel,
And when they leave they cannot spell…
BLAME ME!

When inflation soars and you ask why,
When interest rates are far too high,
And petrol prices reach the sky…
Then I will be to blame.
Whenever people break their bones,
When MPs don’t declare their loans,
When people lose their mobile phones…
BLAME ME!

When you are treated with derision,
‘Cos England can’t win the Eurovision,
When the PM’s wracked with indecision…
Then my excuses will seem lame.
When MacDonald’s coffee is too hot,
And Gordon Brown has lost the plot,
Or Auld Lang Syne should be forgot…
BLAME ME!

When your laundry blows into the grime,
When prisoners do not do their time,
And the only thing that pays is crime…
Then put me in the frame.
When MOD laptops disappear,
When there’s more carbon in the atmosphere,
And when pub landlords sell warm beer…
BLAME ME!

Whenever you are feeling sad,
Anxious, or fearful, or bloody mad,
Or any other way but glad…
Then I will feel the shame.
When in winter it doesn’t snow,
Or you can’t get your car to go,
And your Broadband is running slow…
BLAME ME!

When someone does not flush the loo,
If a horse should throw a show,
Or someone does ‘death by canoe…’
Then I’ll play your little game.
Whenever you are feeling sick,
With others getting on your wick,
And you are feeling like a…pitiful individual…
BLAME ME!

When you cannot hear yourself think,
When youngsters have too much to drink,
When your TV goes off on the blink…
I’ll act meek and tame.
When the SATS tests are not marked,
Or when forest fires are sparked,
And when ‘white van man’ is wrongly parked…
BLAME ME!

Whenever you cut yourself when you shave,
Or your boat’s tossed by the perfect wave,
When Ronaldo is treated like a slave…
To me it’s all the same.
When you get told off by your boss,
When a rolling stone gathers moss,
Well! Actually…I don’t give a toss…
If you…BLAME ME!

So! Go on then.
Blame me…why don’t you?
Blame me for everything.
It’s always my fault. Isn’t it?
Always…always…always my fault.
It’s never your fault.
It’s always me…never you.
You’re never wrong. Are you?
You’re just sooooo perfect…
Well! I might as well be hung for a sheep…
So go on. Blame me. See if I care.
Huh!
Rasp…hiss…boo to you…
You’re the dog dirt on my shoe…
I don’t care if I smell…
You can go and burn in hell.
Nah nah nah nah nah!…